I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’m getting myself into. These past few days I’ve been wondering if I’m not getting myself head over heels. Part of it has to do with the lack of communication and foggy expectations from my new university. Part of is also how much I’m enjoying being home, mostly helping my brother and future sister-in-law with their wedding. Another part is the shadow hanging over me from my last year in Provence which for the most part I didn’t enjoy. Still some is the fear of entering into situations where I’m treated as if I’m an idiot for my level of French not being accurately perceived; yes, I can understand every word you say even if I am at a lack of eloquence in words to convey the same ideas myself.
The fact of the matter is I’ll still be boarding that plane in August. But I’m not celebrating as I’d hoped I would be. Lately, the joy in this experience is no where to be found and instead of screaming out of sheer jubilation, I’m wallowing up inside. Normally I’m so excited at the prospect of the unknown, so confident that everything will fall into place, so headstrong. This time, I’m fearful and full of doubt.
I suppose I should stop to remind myself that this is the exact challenge I was looking for. It might help to remember that a year ago I was researching high and low for opportunities in the art world as well as universities with great art administration masters and about to commute once a week for a certificate program in New York before I got the green light to pursue Provence. Perhaps my fears would subside if I recall that getting a masters is really the only way to get a leg-up in my desired field of work. That I missed being a student and writing research papers (I know, it’s weird). That I never really wanted to leave Paris back in May 2008 and have been working hard to get back there since, sacrificing my passion for the arts to return to France last year, realizing I didn’t want to work with anything but art, all before finding the perfect program in Paris where I could essentially have it all (art, Paris, French, masters degree, career).
While I know all of the above, it’s not helping. My frustrations and fears have lead me to doubt even my passion for art and Paris and for the time being I’ve taken a step back from art and French. The truth is, it takes so much courage to move to another country; to move away from our family, friends, culture, government and language. It’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging and it takes time to adjust. And lately it seems as if my courage is running low.
I wanted this, didn’t I?
*Image: Rodin’s The Thinker at the Rodin Museum of Philadelphia.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I can imagine that it is very difficult at times to move abroad…maybe that is what kept me from doing it, although it was mostly life circumstances. I think it is at times in our life when we are at a crossroads that fear comes into play. But I’m also a big believer in things happening for a reason, and you don’t know how strong you are until you do things like what you are doing. Be strong, and have confidence that it will all play out…xo
Thanks Susan for your insight and encouragement. I know you’re right and I know a year from now I’ll likely never remember this lull, at least to the extent it feels. I believe things happen for a reason as well – it helps to hear someone else saying it.
Thanks again, Susan!
When people asked me how I was doing during my first year in France, I often replied, “Well, I’m not bored!”. It’s not easy, it’s not always fun, but it is challenging and the smallest achievements can make your day. It’s a daunting mountain to climb, and it’s higher and harder than it looks. But you can always go home. You can’t always move to France. It may seem overwhelming now that you are actually going, but you made the decision to move during a time when you were clearheaded and stress free. Now that it’s here, your nerves are just acting up. Bonne chance~!
Emily, that is so true! And this isn’t the first move I’ve made – it’ll be the third! Although there are different circumstances and I think those are what I’m getting hung up on. That’s pretty much what my mom said although it was simply “Stephanie, just do it!” haha! i’m just a strong believer in letting yourself feel your emotions and thought it would be a good idea to share how no matter how excited you are initially, or how much courageous others think you are, there are moments of weakness when it comes to making an international move.
Thank you for your encouragement! One day I’ll laugh at how I’m feeling now.
I can relate a lot to so much of this post… I’ve also just moved to a second place abroad after leaving the US over a year ago, and while it’s for a good opportunity which I know logically I want, when my mom asks me if I’m excited about it, I have to answer that I have “bridled enthusiasm” about it, as opposed to perhaps the unbridled variety I used to have about the idea of living abroad.
I wouldn’t read too much into your apprehensions — I think it’s normal to be less “excited” than you were before leaving for Provence, because you know now how hard it can be living in another country. That doesn’t mean tht it isn’t the right thing to be doing, and that Paris won’t be much better as a fit for you.
It’s the waiting that’s he hardest I think. And of course, if you weren’t doing this, you’d always wonder “what if”.
It’s not easy, is it! It takes so much energy to adjust, just to navigate through the apartment process is enough to bring discouragement! I completely understand your “bridled enthusiasm” and while it’s exciting, it’s not exactly the effortless adventure it can seem from the outside.
When I first returned from a year in Paris, I can remember feeling like I had the experience of a lifetime but at the same time I was emotionally exhausted from living in a world not my own. It didn’t take long for me to regain my drive and dream of moving to Paris again though (a big reason why I moved to Provence last year was because I knew it would improve my chances of being accepted to a French university if I was already in the country). And I know I would be even more miserable if I didn’t have this opportunity to look forward to. But there is still a lot to work through on the emotional side.
Thanks again for your thoughtful encouragement! It helps so much to hear from those who have had similar experiences.
Doubt but do it anyway! that is what I’m making myself do. And sure there are times I have to really kick my own tail because adapting to a foreign way/language is hella hard… but the only as hard as you make it. Living in Paris will be shadows away from living in Province! You survived your experience here before and you will the second time around. And when missing family, familiarity, being not able to articulate exactly what you mean becomes unbearable after trying your utmost best…you go back where it is home is! That’s what I’m living by. Take heart! remind yourself what a brave thing you are doing, remember there will always be iffy and not so iffy times and all the magic of discovery in between. Looking forward to seeing you in Paris when you get here! Until then, bisous!
Opal! So glad to see you back here
I went to check up on how things were for you but your blog had disappeared so we’ll have to keep in touch via email. Thank you so much for your encouragement! It’s true, I’m in too deep to turn around now so how I’m feeling day to day won’t make me turn back now. And at least I know I can count on meeting up with many great people! Looking forward to seeing you as well — my departure date is fast approaching!
Normally, I find when I feel this nervous and scared about an experience it is worth doing. As a shy University student trying to find my place in the world of art, travel and writing, I was almost sick after I had committed to a month in Italy with complete strangers to study the Veneto Renaissance Art movement. However, when I arrived I realized where I was and the opportunity I was being given. Although, there was drama, and there is bound to be when traveling with 30 other girls, I figured all that just made for great stories to tell when I got back. The bad or scary may seem insurmountable at first but later they turn out to be just good stories and shaping experiences.
Great advice!! Just that first sentence hit home. And I am so envious of your month in Italy – I would love nothing more than to spend a large amount of time there for the sake of nothing more than to study art. Sounds like you had a rewarding experience there. Thank you for sharing this with me – I’m feeling better about my decision, still nervous though!
Totally normal. This happens EVERYTIME I’m about to embark on a new adventure, change jobs, or generally go out of my comfort zone. I think once you get settled, the passion for Paris and art will return immediately. IT’ll take some time to find your groove but you’ll find it!
I hope so! Don’t know why this move has been particularly challenging – well I kinda know why but it’s the accumulation of a number of things. I’m looking forward to getting my groove back asap! It’s not fun to be in dread for a any length of time.
Hi Stephanie,
I just started reading your blog in the last 30 minutes starting with the topics; Learning French with Film & Essential French Language Tools. I was so impressed with your wonderful sugestions and thoughtful advice that I was dismayed to discover that you are struggling now after reading this topic.
I’d like to say that your upbeat and witty writing reminds me of Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde. Now while she is a fictional character it was refreshing to realize that there is a true to life human being who fits that character.
I am confident that you’ll find the strength to persevere and meet your goals but if you need someone to talk to you can certainly count on me.
Best of luck to you and thanks for the wonderfully written blog!
Brian
lol! Not sure what to think about the Legally Blonde comment – though I have often thought the world would be a better place if resumés were printed on pink paper and spritzed with perfume.
I hesitated writing this post but at the same time I wanted to share that even though some people decide to embark on the adventure of living abroad, it’s not easy and it doesn’t come without great sacrifices. It’s been a few weeks since I posted this but I’m still feeling the ups and downs of my decision, but i’ll still be boarding that plane come August!!
Thanks for your encouraging words and compliments! It’s always nice to hear from my readers
Your post reminds me of a song by Julien Clerc and here it goes (is is called ”partir”, J Clerc is a pretty big singer in France and his songs bear a lot of meaning)
Partir Partir
On a toujours
Un bateau dans le coeur
Un avion qui s’envole
Pour ailleurs
Mais on n’est pas à l’heure
Partir Partir
Même loin loin de la région du coeur
N’importe où la peau
Change de couleur
Partir avant qu’on meure
Having spend 3 years in my life abroad in a former life, I realize how living abroad has shaped the person I am. In your case, you are driven by a passion for art (and I know what it means because I was close to a woman who was a student in art school – too long to explain but I know what it means). So I’ll keep it short: go for it Stephanie!